Some musings and a book recommendation.

I wish I had taken more pictures.

This is a common regret in my life, mostly because I tend to forget to bring my camera and, even when I do, I hate to ruin a moment or miss seeing anything because I am looking through a narrow lens. I admire those who are able to strike a balance between photographer and participant.

It is not so much that I wish I had the pictures to help me remember, because I find that those beautiful moments are like a CD on repeat in my heart. The problem is that I sometimes forget places and people, but never the feelings involved. That makes it hard to tell the stories. I am putting together a presentation for IHC's annual Ash Wednesday Retreat Day. I was invited mostly for my involvement at the Inn, so that is what I am trying to focus my presentation on. I was going through my old pictures from the year, though, and very few of them are applicable. There are many, many pictures of Maureen, Katelyn, and I being ridiculous; there are none of my day-to-day activities. There are no pictures of bread-bagging or soup-stirring or bathroom-cleaning, but there is one of me poking my head out of the top of the kettle (yes-I fit inside, no-I didn't break it, yes-it was as wonderful as I had hoped it would be).

All of this brings me to another quandary: how do we explain this experience to people? During my interview at Le Moyne, I was asked what I have learned in the past year and a half that better prepares me for graduate school. I don't remember my answer, but it was something half-baked because I didn't allow the question to sink in. I have seen the horrific lengths some people will go to when they can't afford to seek proper medical care. That has caused me anger and outrage. I want to channel that frustration into providing healthcare that is accessible to all, even though I am not sure how to go about it. Maybe if I had taken pictures, I would have been able to make my interviewers understand, because I'm not sure my words would have been adequate.

I have gotten a little off-topic here, but the point of my ramblings has been that I wish I had pictures to show people how powerful an experience working among the poor was because I think my words are insufficient. For all the talk we hear in our churches about blind faith, people still tend to need to see to believe.

PS. I promise a more news-oriented update next time.

PPS. Please read "The Shack" by William Paul Young. I am about halfway through it, and already it is one of the most inspired books I've ever read. We're talking the kind of inspiration that can only come from God. The first few chapters are difficult, but it is well worth the effort.

Questions Answered

I am coming up on my 4-month-iversary with the Mountain. I have been reflecting on my experiences here the past couple of days (things are slowing down a lot). Whenever I see people and describe what I am doing here, or visit those familiar with this place, the first question is always, "So, do you like it?" I am afraid I haven't given it a fair shot. Things in my life outside of here have been all topsy turvy the past few months; there have been a lot of changes for me, and not all of them have been good. It's hard to separate the feelings I've had about those changes from my feelings about the Mountain itself, because I tend to be a big old mushpot of feelings who has a hard time separating them out. So, is my life here good? Yes. Are the guys I live with good to me? Absolutely. I hope that answers your questions.

Two weeks ago, I was in a car accident. I am fine and so is the other driver. The only injuries were both our cars. It has been hard to rejoice in that through all the stress of dealing with insurance companies and wondering what the outcome would be for my beloved Baby Red (my car). I am starting to realize, though, how incredibly lucky I was. The impact occurred on the driver side of my car, and had the other driver been speeding, I would have been much worse off than simply bumping my head. And, as it turns out, the car is fixable for close to the amount the insurance company gave us. Basically, I continue to be the luckiest girl in the world. Enough about the accident, since it continues to be one of my least favorite topics.

We had the annual Advent overnight a couple of weeks ago, with Bonaventure students coming up to the Mountain to put up and decorate the tree and a wreath. The tree decorating ceremony was one of the most beautiful things I've ever taken part in. Each person would choose an ornament or two, then pray aloud for someone or something as they placed the ornament on the tree. It was incredible to hear some of the things these people have been through, and all that is on their minds and hearts. I don't remember how much time passed, but I do remember being awestruck at the reverence shown by all present throughout the entire ceremony. It really helped me to open up to the Advent season.

I hope you are all having a joyous Advent season and that you have a very Merry Christmas! I will be heading home to celebrate with my family in the next week, and I am so excited!

"With love, with patience, and with faith, she'll make her way."

Winter is rearing its ugly head in West Clarksville. The inch of snow we got the night before last is slowly melting away, but the overcast skies warn that there is more to come. I realized today that I failed to bring any of my colder weather accessories, like gloves, scarves, hats, and the like. I'm not really sure what I was thinking when I packed, maybe that I would become invincible to cold this winter, or discover how to grow fur on command. I have not done either. Luckily, though, the weather has remained merely chilly as opposed to frigid and I am not in any danger of frostbite.

We have had busy days of hosting lately. Last week, the FVMs invaded the Mountain and I think some of my community are still trying to catch their breath. It was wonderful to get to see my site supervisor and my program director and Katelyn! What a breath of fresh air to have people around that have grown to know me so well. I still feel so connected to the Inn and all its happenings (possibly because Katelyn and I manage to correspond daily), as though I could return tomorrow and pick up right where I left off. I won't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. It was great to get to know the other 2 FVMs better and to see their community in action. They welcomed me in so much that sometimes I felt like I was the 4th community member. As awesome as it was, it also highlighted some challenges I face in my own current community, so the realization that they were leaving while I had to remain at the Mountain made saying good-bye very difficult.

There is a lovely older couple here this week on retreat, and it is almost like having a set of grandparents here. They constantly encourage me to eat, and even brough a large pot full of soup, some homemade Amish chocolates, and homemade Amish bread, as well as some cheese from Cuba, so there is definitely no shortage of things to eat. Oh, and I almost forgot-they brough a pumpkin roll. Heavenly. The wife was telling me about the pumpkin cake her husband makes on occasion (which sounded divine) and as they watched me drool, they decided they would try to return in May so they could bring me some. This is just another example of a phenomena I have been noticing a lot lately. If you do something good, or start something good, people will get behind it. They may need some encouragement, but if you can make them believe in your vision, they will support it. How else has the St. Francis Inn managed to stay open in spite of all the things that happen that would cause any other place to close? How does the Mountain continue to run smoothly in spite of the fact that it is completely countercultural and lacking in any type of reinforcement in "normal" society? A few weeks ago, I sat in on our board of trustees meeting and just looked around the room. All of those 13 people have jobs and families and a million other different things to do. Yet, they give their time and energy to make the Mountain happen. They can't even come to the Mountain all that often, so they are doing it for other people. It's beautiful. It gives me hope for my own future in that as long as I stand for something good, I will likely have others standing with me.

Physician's assistant school is becoming a reality for next year for me. I got a phone call from Le Moyne last week to schedule an interview for January. I am thrilled. Granted, I would probably rather be living in Philadelphia, but a call to PCOM yesterday revealed that they have yet to touch my application. To quote an old basketball T-shirt I somehow acquired, "The future's so bright I've gotta wear shades."

Where am I supposed to buy underwear?! and other concerns of small-town living

Last night, while out to a lovely dinner in Olean, my parents and I decided we would head to Buffalo the next day (today) to go shopping for a few things I mentioned that I could use. When we returned to the Mountain and I had gone up to my room for the night, I googled the exact drive time from here to Buffalo and found it to be 1 HOUR AND 53 MINUTES. Not really enough to make a trip worth it, as we couldn't leave until 12 and I had to be back for a 5:30 meeting on campus. When I told my mom this morning, she was appalled and insisted that there had to be SOMETHING nearby (there is Wal-Mart, Target and a semi-decent Old Navy in Olean). Well we looked for Macy's, Target, Kohls, and found nothing within a reasonable distance. If I didn't think I was isolated before, I know it now. Not that these things are necessarily all that fulfilling to me, but I would like to be able to buy some decent underwear.

While reflecting on all of this on the way home from campus this evening, I realized that the only place I really go is campus, and occasionally Tops. I see a lot of people, and I haven't really had the desire to go anyplace else except in cases where I could see certain people I miss. Lately, though, I have been getting antsy. I can't explain it really, but the feeling comes as a result of not really feeling like myself. Now that I am getting over the discomfort of my various transitions, I'm starting to want to stretch my wings a little and do something life-affirming. The last time I acted on my antsy-ness, Mo and Katelyn joined me in painting a room in our house starting at 8 pm one fateful Sunday night. I don't know where it's going to lead me this time, but I feel an adventure coming on. Maybe another piercing...(just kidding Mom and Dad!)

So, there's no place to buy underwear, the nearest city is about 2 hours away, and I am surrounded by pro-gun propaganda. The other day I saw a bumper sticker with a picture of a handgun that read, "I'd rather have one and not need it than need one and not have it." I was struck by the use of the word "need," and can't get the wording out of my head. I cannot think of a single situation in my life in which I have NEEDED a gun. Perhaps I haven't lived long enough, and maybe things are rougher than I thought out in the country, but I find it hard to understand the need one would have for such a weapon.

I'm sure the ranting about small town life will continue at a later date, but for now I am out of rants. I suppose I should thank God that these are the only problems with where I'm living and then shut my mouth. So thanks, God, and good night!

So last night we had a boys' floor up to the Mountain for an evening away. During the homily, the question was posed: "What is the greatest thing in your life right now?" There were answers of friends, family, God, the ability to help people. I was thinking and thinking and a lot came up, but it seemed like the best thing would come to me with crashing cymbals and maybe even a parade (in my head). Well no parade came, but an idea did. I think, right now, that the unknown is the best thing in my life. I have submitted my applications to PA school, and have no idea where that will take me. Nothing but possibilities await me after the first week in June. And scary as that is, it is also very exciting. Something I try to always think to myself before making a decision is "You'll never be more free than you are right now." As I get older, I know I will likely get tied down to more and more things and I really want to appreciate freedom and possibility as much as I can.

My parents are coming down tomorrow (yay!) and I am so excited to see them. Besides Renee's and Johnnycakes' visit, this is the first time two of my worlds have collided at the Mountain, and at least those worlds are related. Unfortunately, 3 of the friars are gone for the weekend, so the parents won't get the full effect, but they will get enough for now. I feel like so much has happened since I last saw them in the beginning of September-hours have been spent on the phone with them since then, and there have been tears and celebrations-it seems like a year instead of a month and a half. So you can imagine how psyched I am!

It has been a good, but complicated, day. Students at SBU are really starting to get comfortable around me, and have started coming to me with their problems. Sometimes they are bigger than I am able to handle. Please say a prayer for college students everywhere, as a lot is expected of them and sometimes it can feel overwhelming. I love the students I am working with, and love that they trust me. It feels good to be settled and comfortable here. I was worried for a while that it wouldn't happen, but now I realize I just wasn't being patient enough with myself; transitions are hard and adjustment takes time. Sometimes the urge to cut and run is just a fleeting feeling.

Bragging rights

I'm going to take advantage of this time and space sitting before me and do a little bragging. I know that lots of people may say this, but when I say it, it is actually true. I have the best friends and family. That ever lived. In all of my struggles and tears and frustrations in the past month, not once did I ever feel completely alone. Whenever I chose to unburden myself, I was more often than not offered a number to call at any time of the day or night by people who actually meant it; people who would have arisen groggy and half-asleep to listen to me whine and complain. It blows my mind, and it leaves me to wonder how often I have been that compassionate and kind when others have really needed me. I can think specifically of a few times when I did not reach out as I should have, and I am definitely regretting them. It's amazing, though, the incredible outpouring of love that I have received. I don't really have friends here yet (aside from my friars!) so I have been spending lots of time on the phone. People have been so generous with their time.

[I just realized that parts of the above paragraph were already published in the "All you need is love" post. I apologize for repeating myself, but maybe that will help express how truly and deeply I have been touched by those who have been so good to me.]

The gospel today is the parable about the day laborers who begin work at different times during the day, but all end up receiving the same wage. The message is that God gives and loves so generously, that merely by existing we are entitled to it. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all loved with the same love. Naturally, this can be infuriating to some of the good because they work hard to be good, but then end up with the same "reward" as the bad and the ugly. The thing is that love is not a reward. It is not something that is deserved; it is something that is given freely to whoever wants it. It has been the same way with the love and generosity I have been receiving lately. I haven't done anything to necessarily deserve all this love, yet I have been blessed with it all the same. We know that it is not the way of the world that the good should always be given good and the bad always be given bad; what would that teach us about compassion and mercy?

I am reading "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza, her story about surviving the Rwandan genocide. My reading it goes perfectly with the gospel. She details her personal struggles with faith throughout the violence of the war, and her initial inability to forgive those who were killing her family and friends. It was only after intense prayer experiences that she was able to view the killers as children of God who had been led astray and therefore, as such, deserving of her love and forgiveness. She is so inspirational-she was completely honest about her faith journey and feelings during the entire ordeal. She hid in a tiny bathroom with 5 other women for 3 months before being liberated. Her faith was constantly under attack, but she managed to maintain it through prayer. I absolutely recommend this book; it was required reading for St. Bonaventure freshmen, and everyone on campus is talking about it. It has been brought up here in reflections in the chapel on numerous occasions. Ilibagiza spoke at Siena's graduation this past year, and will be coming to SBU in November. I can't wait to hear her speak.

I hope you all are well. Thank you so much for your love and support; it has gotten me through a lot, and it continues to strengthen and heal me.

Love is in the air

Yesterday I wrote that I had been thinking about love and now it appears as though I am doomed to continue thinking about it whether I want to or not. Bear with me while I give you a little background. Today, Franciscans celebrated the feast of Francis receiving the stigmata. Two of Francis' greatest desires in life were to experience the love Jesus felt for us, and also to experience the pain that Jesus went through for us. He became the first person ever recorded to actually receive the wounds of Christ, thereby fulfilling one of his desires. It really is beautiful how Francis bore the extreme pain of these wounds, all for the love of God and man.

Students came up to the Mountain this evening for a little relaxation, a home-cooked meal, and Mass. I had been asked to help by opening the homily and, when I looked at the readings for the day, I was blown away. The first reading was (what else could it be?) 1 Corinthians 12:31-13:13 which contains the famous lines "if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous...Love never fails." This was replaced, though, by a different reading in Franciscan circles because of the feast. I was amazed by the idea that that could be the reading. I was kicking around ideas with Br. Kevin before dinner about the homily and he seemed to have some good ones that actually pertained to the feast day, so I asked him to speak instead of me. When I heard his words, I was again blown away. He spoke of God's boundless love for us in sending his son, and the need for Jesus to die in the excruciating, humiliating way in which he did so that we could let him in to those parts of us that we find humiliating and excruciating. I wish I could remember all of his words because they were beautiful and left the entire chapel speechless for a few moments. It got me thinking about how we are called to love, and therefore are forced to face those parts of ourselves and others which are viewed as awful and embrace them, knowing that we all have that in common. Again, love is a huge responsibility to take on. And, like the stigmata, it can be incredibly painful but it is most definitely a gift.